After learning that his recent threat to blacklist overseas territories was absurd, United Kingdom Opposition Leader Ed Miliband has announced another plan.
“I intend to make faces at the OTs and Crown dependencies until they do my bidding,” Mr. Miliband said this week. “And if that doesn’t work, I will not hesitate to call them names.”
Last month, Mr. Miliband announced that if his Labour Party wins the UK elections in May, he will insist that OTs and CDs establish public registers listing the beneficial owners of companies in their jurisdictions.
If they don’t comply, he pledged, he would ask the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development to blacklist them.
Shortly after the announcement, however, Mr. Miliband’s advisors told him that his plan was laughable.
“The UK has ultimate control over the OTs and could in theory force them to establish the registers,” said a source close to the discussions. “So how can he go and ask a separate organisation to blacklist them? The announcement might score political points, but it has no bearing on reality.”
Tantrum
When Mr. Miliband learned that his plan wouldn’t work, he reportedly threw a loud temper tantrum and refused to come out of his bedroom for several days.
When he finally emerged, he insisted that his advisors recommend another way to ensure that the OTs comply with his wishes.
The advisors maintained that there is little he can do without appearing to be a bully.
“Since my advisors were of little help, I concocted a new plan all by myself,” he said proudly during a press conference Tuesday, adding that his face-making campaign will be “designed with shock and awe in mind.”
His faces, he said, will range from the “slight smirk” that he wears almost constantly to a “commanding and wrathful sneer.”
“As you might have noticed, my face is kind of rubbery, so I can really do a lot with it,” he said, knitting his brow and wrenching his mouth into an angry frown. “See what I mean? I hope that the OTs are watching when I say that this is what I do best.”
Indeed, many have attributed Mr. Miliband’s political success to his uncanny ability to mould his face into an expression appropriate to any situation.
Pushback
OTs and CDs have vigorously resisted the UK’s request that they create registers of beneficial ownership. Many have asserted that they will do so only after larger countries including the United States agree to do the same, ensuring a level playing field.
But Mr. Miliband said such arguments are “tedious and complicated,” and he refused to spend the time necessary to contemplate the OTs’ position in depth.
“I’m a busy man, and I don’t have the patience to understand every single little tiny detail,” he said, making his bored face.
Asked other questions by reporters, he plugged his fingers in his ears and chanted, “Make the registers! Make the registers! Make the registers!”
Calling names
Most experts believe that Mr. Miliband’s face-making scheme will have little effect, but they agree that it is more realistic than his blacklisting plan.
“I would say that making faces is about all that he can do,” said a political scientist. “Threatening anything more serious is frankly ridiculous.”
But Mr. Miliband cautioned that if his sneers and frowns don’t make the OTs and CDs comply, he will not stop there.
“If necessary, I will not hesitate to call them names,” he said. “I’ve already given them a taste of this medicine by calling them ‘tax havens.’ And there’s more where that came from.”
Other insults that he might consider include “stupid-heads,” “morons” and “dum dums,” he said.
“And if that doesn’t work, I’ll throw a full-on temper tantrum,” he added. “You just wait until I get elected!”
In response to a question about criticism that he doesn’t understand the global financial system, Mr. Miliband again made his bored face.
“Yawn,” he said, holding up the palm of his hand. “What. Ever.”
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