Your moustache consultant
What do you do after you’ve done it all? After you’ve achieved your life’s dream and reached the pinnacle of your profession?
You give back.
That’s why I’ve decided to become a moustache consultant.
Last Thursday, dozens of “Mo-Bros” shaved clean and signed up for the territory’s annual Movember moustache-growing competition. In the coming weeks, they’ll grow hair as fast as they can. And on Nov. 30, they’ll compete for prizes.
I know from personal experience that their task will not be easy. A facial-hair prodigy who had a full beard by age 12, I entered the first VI Movember contest in 2007. I walked away with the title “Best Handlebar” — and a lifelong passion for competitive moustache-growing.
In the succeeding years, thanks to the support of friends and family, I quickly rose to the top of the field.
In 2009, my “Twin Spirals ’Stache” earned me the coveted title of Mr. Movember. I was floored, but the best was yet to come.
Last year, my unique “Double Mo” made history: I was humbled and honoured to become the only two-time Mr. Movember in the VI.
Because I’ve been asked to be a judge this year, I’m not eligible to compete.
Instead, I’m offering my consulting services to the other Mo-Bros in the territory. *
Duties
What does a moustache consultant do, exactly? That’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked.
His duties start well in advance of the actual contest day.
First, I would help you choose your growing plan. This means deciding which moustache is right for you and committing to it with steely resolve.
The decision is not as easy as you might think: There are several categories in the Nov. 30 competition.
If your facial hair grows thick and fast — like, say, Chuck Norris’ — you might plan for the “Mo Growth” category. If you’re the opposite, try “Lame Mo.”
If you happen to resemble Burt Reynolds, you may be a shoo-in for “Celebrity Look-a-Like.”
Counselling
I’m also offering a service I call “mo-tivational counselling.”
Many would-be champions start strong with a fresh shave, only to give up when they realise the implications of wearing a moustache — being ostracised by polite society and getting dumped by your girlfriend, to name a couple.
But picture this: You wake up one morning, see a furry caterpillar on your upper lip, and decide you can’t stand it anymore. As you grab a razor, your phone rings.
“Hey, man, whatever you do, do NOT shave off your moustache today,” says your moustache consultant. “All the ladies are digging it. I heard a woman at Pusser’s say she’s dying to kiss your upper lip.”
Excuses, excuses
I also know the importance of having excuses ready throughout Movember.
Say, for example, that you have an important business meeting scheduled during the month, and your prepubescent lip fuzz could hamper your chances of closing a long-awaited deal.
I’ll be there to talk you through the crisis.
Naturally, the best recourse is to invent a plausible excuse for why you can’t possibly attend any meeting until Dec. 1. Several fibs might suffice: religious reasons, dengue or work permit issues, to name a few.
If you must attend, however, all is not lost. As a moustache champion, I’m well qualified to help you choose from a long list of time-tested options:
• cutting the power immediately before the meeting, forcing the proceedings to be held in darkness, where no one can make out anyone else’s upper lip;
• affixing a large band-aid across your moustache and claiming you cut yourself shaving; or
• wearing a facemask to protect others from your “terrible case of the flu.”
If all else fails, you can come clean, loudly excusing your moustache and explaining that you’re growing it for charity. Everyone will be keen to change the subject to avoid being hit up for a donation.
Finishing touches
A consultant’s services are also crucial on the day of the competition.
Even the smallest ’stache requires careful consideration as you take razor in hand and decide on its final shape and style.
When the adrenaline starts to flow during this home stretch, the novice is likely to make an irreversible mistake. Tragically, countless moustaches have been lost entirely in misguided attempts to even them out by trimming a little from each side.
A level head and a steady hand are essential, and that’s exactly what I will provide as your consultant.
Take it from an expert: This could be your year to become the next Mr. Movember!
* Please note that in order to guard against the appearance of bias, all consulting services will end precisely five minutes before the actual Movember competition starts.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
{fcomment}