The Freeman Party Manifesto
Ladies and gentlemen, you know my campaign nicknames, and you’ve heard my campaign song.
Now, you’re probably wondering what I’m all about.
I know elections are still more than three weeks away, but I’ve decided to make a radical move: unveiling my manifesto early.
Yes, I know this is unprecedented. Most parties wait until much later to release their manifestos, and this makes sense: Publishing all your ideas too soon would make it far too easy for voters to make a decision.
But this is only one of the ways in which The Freeman Party is different. Read on for others.
The Manifesto
• In the House of Assembly, legislators’ speeches shall be cut off by a loud buzzer after five minutes. Anyone who keeps talking after the buzzer sounds will owe the Speaker of the House 100 push-ups.
• Any motorist who cusses at a pedestrian shall forfeit his or her vehicle to that pedestrian forever.
• Legislators’ offices shall be relocated next to the ghut in Road Town, and they shall not be air-conditioned.
• Members of the media shall be empowered to call ministerial press conferences whenever they need information from government. If leaders fail to attend, journalists shall be permitted to publish fictional articles about them without legal repercussions.
• Any public servant caught using a government vehicle for personal use shall have that vehicle replaced with a one-speed bicycle.
• People who are cruel to animals shall be required to spend a week living in a stray-dog kennel at the BVI Humane Society.
• Legislators and high-level officials in the Ministry of Communications and Works shall be required to take the bus to and from work.
• All public school teachers shall receive the same allowances for housing, entertainment and vehicles as legislators. They shall also get parking privileges at the airport.
• Legislators’ houses shall be powered exclusively with solar energy. And as long as solar energy is still effectively illegal in the territory, the houses shall not be powered at all.
• Public servants who ignore recommendations from the complaints commissioner shall be transferred to Pockwood Pond.
• All election candidates shall be required to listen to recordings of all of their own campaign speeches.
• A list of all government petty contracts shall be posted online and updated daily.
• Motorists caught littering shall be forced to pick up their trash — and every other piece of trash within a 100-metre radius of the offence.
• All legislators over 65 shall be required to live in the Adina Donovan Home for the Elderly for at least one month of each year.
• The initial costs of project overruns shall be deducted from legislators’ pay.
• Ferry company owners shall be required to ride their own ferries at least twice a week.
• Any elected leader who has campaigned on transparency shall be required to obtain and provide a copy of any public document within 24 hours of a request to do so.
• Rudeness shall be punishable by mandatory politeness seminars taught by Education and Culture Minister Andrew Fahie.
• Yachters caught flushing their toilets in a harbour shall be required to snorkel for an hour in the same harbour.
• The Central Administration Building roof project shall be completed. Hahahahaha! Just kidding. Seriously, though, every election manifesto shall include at least one good joke.
• Free fried chicken shall be available for the entire territory every Monday as part of a new “Mondays-aren’t-so-bad-after-all” initiative.
• Various entertainment options shall be provided in the lobbies of government offices. These will include Nintendo Wiis and movie screens for every seat. Then, even if service is slow, waiting will be fun.
• All employees shall be required to go home early every Friday. Also, Thursday shall be renamed Friday, and the rule will apply then, too.
• Cruise ship tourists shall be required to conform to a strict dress code, to be enforced by a team of clothes wardens.
• All events shall start on time. Or, if they don’t, organisers shall provide free jerk chicken and beer to everyone in the meantime.
Ladies and gentlemen, if these ideas sound good, you know what to do when you head to the polls on Nov. 7. You’ll be glad you did!