Government recently announced plans to offer advanced training for taxi drivers in subjects including foreign languages, safety, and business communication. For most drivers, this is a great opportunity, but there are a few others who clearly aren’t ready for such complex concepts. Fortunately, I have a few ideas for remedial courses that they might take first.
Spectrum Analysis
Colours are everywhere. Unfortunately, some taxi drivers struggle to tell the difference between three of them: red, green and yellow. When they come to a traffic light, the consequences can be disastrous. In this course, they will work with an art teacher to better understand the subtle difference between these hues.
Basic Geography
Around Tortola, there are literally hundreds of areas called “parking spaces” that are designated for leaving a vehicle unattended. Cab drivers will learn to identify these spaces by distinguishing them from other areas such as sidewalks, driveways, yards, medians and beaches.
Practical Geography
In this higher-level geography course, taxi drivers who have already learned to identify authentic “parking spaces” will learn how to use them. The instructor will teach techniques such as “not parking on the white line;” “not scraping other cars;” and “not backing over the elderly.”
Experiential Geography
In this advanced remedial course, drivers who have mastered the concept of “using parking spaces” will learn first-hand the implications of doing otherwise. At the start of the course, they’ll leave their car in a proper parking space — only to have an irresponsible driver block them in. The owner won’t show up until the last day of the course, giving participants a taste of what it’s like to be stuck because of someone else’s inconsiderate actions.
Facial Musculature 101
In general, a deep scowl is not considered a particularly pleasant facial expression. However, for someone who has spent years in a perpetual frown, change can be difficult. In this course, scowling taxi drivers will work with a muscle coach to learn to relax their brows into a neutral expression that won’t intimidate potential customers.
Facial Musculature 202
Facial Musculature 101 is a prerequisite for this more advanced course, in which a muscle coach will teach taxi drivers how to turn up the corners of the mouth in what is commonly known as a “smile.” Though this might seem like a lot of work, the effort can pay for itself over time by increasing drivers’ revenues dramatically.
Linguistics 11
Pleasant facial expressions are a useful tool for any tourism worker, but unfortunately they aren’t always enough. Words also matter. Indeed, research has shown that that there are certain words — scientifically known as “profanity” — that are widely considered offensive. Unfortunately, some cab drivers struggle to differentiate between profanity and friendlier words. Tourists, who tend to be inexplicably sensitive to getting cussed out, might walk away and find another driver. In this course, a linguist will help participants identify which words are a no-no and which are perfectly okay to use on a day-to-day basis.
Linguistics 22
There is a common question that arises for graduates of Profanity 101: If you can’t cuss at tourists, what should you say to them? This course will teach exactly that, starting with “please,” “thank you,” “good morning,” and other polite and witty phrases that will help any taxi driver “fake it until they make it.”
Business Relationships
Ports are stressful places, with bustling crowds and general disorganisation. In that atmosphere, surely it’s impossible to find a customer without physically overpowering other taxi drivers, right? Wrong! In fact, there are many options that don’t involve throwing a punch. These include calm discussions, bargaining and diplomacy. Graduates of this course will walk away with all of those skills and more.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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