Government hosted a triumphant celebration on Saturday to mark the one-year anniversary of the audit probing the Tortola Pier Park project.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the auditors are nearly 12 months into their investigation, and they’re just getting started!” Premier Dr. Orlando Smith announced during a Champagne toast at the event, which was held by the water at the TPP.
Leaders had high hopes for the audit when they announced it in January 2016 — rumours were swirling around the development’s $30 million-plus cost overruns — and the probe has far exceeded their expectations since then.
Initially, for example, they believed the audit would be completed within six months and released to the public shortly thereafter.
“A year later, I’m happy to report that the end is nowhere in sight,” Dr. Smith said Saturday, “and we’re on track to produce the largest audit report the world has ever seen!”
World records?
The document has already exceeded 2,000 pages, but it is expected to grow exponentially in the coming months.
“Every week the auditor finds another fishy transaction or questionable petty contract to investigate,” the premier explained.
If the steady growth continues, the report could earn a place in the Guinness Book of World Records, drawing lots of positive publicity from abroad.
And the report’s size might not be the only world record.
“We’re pleased to announce that this process is also costing an unprecedented amount of taxpayers’ money,” the premier said.
Setting a second record — for the most expensive audit ever conducted — would vindicate the government’s decision to hire a private firm rather than using the Office of the Auditor General, which could have conducted the exercise at no charge as part of its routine duties.
Governor John Duncan said he too is thrilled by the audit’s success so far, adding that it has confirmed his decision not to call an inquiry into the TPP project.
“If I had acceded to the opposition’s request to investigate,” he said, “it could have put an immediate end to the questionable practices that led to this audit’s unprecedented size and longevity.”
Fireworks
By all appearances, members of the public are as excited as their leaders. Thousands of people attended the Saturday party, taking advantage of free lobster and Champagne and watching an elaborate fireworks display.
“Last year we had to cancel the fireworks at the grand opening of the Pier Park because everyone knew we’d spent way too much money,” explained Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool. “But because the audit is reviewing only past expenditures, we’re now free to spend as much as we want!”
For similar reasons, legislators were able to hire their own companies to provide the fireworks and catering services for the party — a step they took in order to ensure the event’s success.
The $12 million fireworks display, which continued for four hours, ended with a grand finale that several onlookers claimed spelled “Vote NDP in 2019” across the sky at midnight.
Leaders, however, denied this account, pointing out that most of the attendees heavily imbibed free Champagne and rum shots.
“Perhaps they were hallucinating,” Dr. Smith speculated. “I certainly don’t recall seeing any sort of political message in the sky.”
Moving forward
By all accounts the ongoing audit has been a smashing success, but before the night was over the premier hinted at more good news to come.
“With any audit as large as this one, you have to ask yourself if any mistakes were made,” he said. “And after you ask that, you need to hire someone else to audit the audit.”
He added that the government won’t be able to release the original audit report to the public until it has been audited at least once.
“We wouldn’t want to put out unaudited information,” he said. “But rest assured that when the audit audit is completed, which will probably come sometime after the 2019 election, we will have many, many more fireworks!”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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