Earlier this year, Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool promised that the Tortola Pier Park would be a Christmas gift to the people of the Virgin Islands.
Now he is sourcing other options just in case.
“There is a tiny chance that the pier park won’t be as complete as we’d hoped in time for the holiday,” Mr. Vanterpool said this week. “So to ensure that the people are not disappointed, we’re working feverishly to find a backup gift.”
To that end, officials have been reviewing a wide range of options in recent days.
“It has proved surprisingly difficult to choose,” the minister said, “but we’re committed to sourcing the best gift we can find in order to give everyone a joyous Christmas season.”
Scale model
Leaders’ first choice was a scale model of the pier park, which government ordered from a company in China.
“The model is already 110 percent complete,” Mr. Vanterpool said. “We’ve seen pictures and it looks great. The only issue is shipping.”
The hand-painted plastic figurine, which is about 12 inches tall and 24 inches wide, is believed to be somewhere between Shanghai and the Virgin Islands.
“The latest shipping notification was a little confusing,” Mr. Vanterpool said before quoting from the message: “‘Package your send through mails six days to ten hundred miles from supply model is yes likely happy event.’”
The minister explained that officials aren’t sure what to make of this cryptic message from the supplier, and their follow-up calls have been going to voicemail.
Petty contracts
But when they realised last week that the model might not arrive in time, they went back to the drawing board to choose another alternative gift.
First they considered an old standby: petty contracts.
“Ultimately, though, we decided petty contracts are so commonplace these days that they don’t qualify as a special gift,” Mr. Vanterpool explained. “Too many people expect them from government on a week-to-week basis.”
Officials then mulled a Christmas unveiling of the Road Town sewage treatment plant, which they have said is already functioning. But there was a hitch with this idea too.
“The facility was built by Biwater, which was contracted by the previous government,” the minister explained. “Since we were worried that people might think the gift came from the Virgin Islands Party, we decided to keep quiet about that.”
They subsequently considered the logistics of ensuring that ferries run on time during the holiday season.
“That would be a great gift for everybody, but unfortunately we can’t work miracles,” Mr. Vanterpool said, adding that it would be easier to build a second pier park “in a couple weeks” than to convince ferry owners to follow rules.
Other ministries
Mr. Vanterpool also asked other ministries for gift ideas. National Health Insurance seemed to be one likely option, as it is scheduled to come on stream on Jan. 1.
“We thought maybe we’d bring the start date up six days and launch it on Christmas Day instead of New Year’s,” he said. “And voila: a gift!”
But then someone pointed out that residents might feel as if they’re buying their own gift since they are required to pay 3.75 percent of each paycheque into the NHI programme.
“All government projects come at taxpayer expense, but usually not through a direct tax, which is a little too obvious,” Mr. Vanterpool explained. “So we ruled out NHI.”
What do you want?
As leaders consider other options, the government has decided to take the question public.
On Friday, the ministry launched a campaign themed, “In the unlikely event that you can’t have a completed pier park for Christmas, what would you like instead?”
Residents are encouraged to drop requests by the Central Administration Building between now and Dec. 24.
“Your gift will be a surprise, but I guarantee you’re going to love it,” Mr. Vanterpool promised. “And if the pier park doesn’t come through in time for Christmas, the people of the VI can expect one heck of a Valentine’s gift!”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
{fcomment}