Golf, at last
In a gesture of sympathy for a territory that can’t seem to get its act together, legendary golfer Jack Nicklaus has agreed to design his first miniature golf course in the Virgin Islands.
“The BVI can rest assured that the course, though small, will have all the trappings of my signature courses around the globe,” the former pro said. “I understand the territory’s frustration after trying for the longest time without success to introduce the greatest sport in the world.”
Mr. Nicklaus was referring to years of failed attempts by VI leaders and developers to bring a golf course to the territory. Many would still like to do so, but recent developments have made the idea increasingly unlikely.
A proposal to construct 18 holes on Beef Island, for example, appears to be dead in the water after expert analysis suggested that an extended runway used by large jets may not be an ideal place to play golf.
And the former government threw cold water on another proposal to build a course on Virgin Gorda when it clear cut a large muddy swathe in South Sound for greenhouses that have yet to materialise.
Workaround
Now, government has devised an ingenious workaround, which Premier Dr. Orlando Smith unveiled during a press conference at the Central Administration Building.
“Before, we were struggling to figure out how an 18-hole course would fit in a territory this small,” Dr. Smith said. “Now, our only concern is figuring out how all the high-end tourists who come here to play mini-golf will fit in a territory this small.”
The course will be “the longest mini-golf course in the Caribbean” thanks to a novel invention suggested by Mr. Nicklaus, according to the premier.
“It will be an 18-hole course, but that’s not all,” Dr. Smith explained, before pausing dramatically. “It will have a bonus hole!”
When reporters’ surprised chatter died down, the premier explained that the course’s location will remain secret for now, with government unveiling more details at an opening ceremony planned for 2014.
VI-themed holes
Each of the 19 holes will have its own VI-centred theme, said Mr. Nicklaus, who also attended the press conference.
The planning for several holes is already under way.
At a par-four hole called Pockwood Pond Caverns, for example, golfers will hit around a pile of putrid garbage; over a heap of trash that spontaneously combusts on a regular basis; and into a miniature incinerator. The incinerator, which will be fully functional, will spit the golf ball out atop a plume of black smoke.
Another hole, dubbed Davy Jones’ Locker, will be piled high with dead coral taken from the waters around Tortola.
The Lions’ Den will also be aquatic-themed: The hole will be surrounded with ponds teeming with lionfish. Golfers whose balls go off the fairway will have to do their best to avoid the predators’ poisonous spines.
At another hole, Cruisin’, golfers will navigate crowds of actual cruise ship tourists who will be transported to the course each day aboard a safari bus. As golfers try to score, the tourists will drink rum and complain.
Officials were quick to assure golfers that the tourists won’t be permitted to play golf on the course. “They’ll get plenty of rum but no clubs,” Dr. Smith said.
The ninth hole, Capital City, will be a miniature version of Road Town. Players will walk dilapidated sidewalks while navigating a traffic jam of radio-controlled cars and trying to keep their ball away from miniature ghuts.
At the 19th hole, The New Hospital, golfers will hit toward an unsightly structure that overshadows the rest of the course. They’ll aim for the front door, a “bottomless” hole that swallows golf balls and gives nothing in return, signifying the end of the game.
Excitement
“These personal touches will make this facility truly unique,” Dr. Smith said.
The construction cost will be higher than a full-sized golf course because of the logistical complications inherent in shrinking a Nicklaus facility, Dr. Smith said, but he added, “It’ll be well worth the price.”
The plan, which already has generated a buzz in the international media, is expected to bring high-paying jobs, tax dollars, and the high-end tourists the territory so desperately needs, according to the premier.
In fact, several billionaires have already committed to sailing their megayachts here for the grand opening.
“I can’t wait,” said Larry Page, the Google founder, who is an avid fan of mini golf though he doesn’t much care for the full-sized version of the sport. “I’ve already challenged Sir Richard Branson to a round.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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