The ruling National Democratic Party is not divided in any way, NDP members announced this week before falling into a bitter public dispute about which metaphor best describes their unprecedented unity.
The row started on Monday when Premier Dr. Orlando Smith defended the NDP at a press conference.
“Whatever you may have read in the news,” he said, “my party is a well-oiled machine.”
Two hours later, Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering held a separate press conference.
“As a longstanding NDP member who has every bit as much experience as the premier, I wish to publicly agree with my leader,” he explained. “We are fully unified.”
However, he then expressed “a little discomfort” with the “well-oiled machine” description.
“Honestly, I wouldn’t use that particular analogy,” he said. “Well-oiled machinery tends to be noisy and dirty. I would say the NDP is more like a team of synchronised swimmers.”
Begging to differ
An hour after Dr. Pickering’s press conference, Dr. Smith issued a statement standing by his original claim.
“I’ve thought it over, and I’ve decided that the NDP is most definitely a well-oiled machine,” he said.
Synchronised swimmers, he pointed out, are mostly concerned with putting on a show, while well-oiled machines “work to add value.”
“Additionally, NDP members do not generally wear Speedos and swimming caps to work,” he explained.
Dr. Pickering responded shortly thereafter in a radio interview, doubling down on his earlier claim.
“Winning a gold medal doesn’t add value?” he asked. “Maybe this is why the Department of Youth Affairs and Sports is perennially underfunded.”
Tiny fish?
Later that day, Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn joined the debate, releasing a statement to praise the party’s unity on his own terms.
“I’m a relative newcomer to politics, but I wish to express my pleasure at working closely with a party that is so unified,” he said. “In my opinion, however, the party is less like a well-oiled machine or a team of synchronised swimmers than it is like a school of tiny fish that all turn the same way at precisely the same moment.”
This statement sparked immediate condemnation from the premier and deputy premier, who briefly aligned to respond jointly.
“Though we have agreed to disagree about whether the NDP is more like a machine or a swim team, we both strongly believe that it is not at all like a school of fish as the junior member claims,” their statement said.
They went on to explain that fish are “small-brained creatures that function largely on instinct, unlike NDP members, who think constantly using very large brains.”
Standing strong
But Mr. Walwyn stood by his claims. As education minister, he explained, rhetorical devices such as metaphors come under his umbrella.
“For that reason alone, I think that I’m very qualified to say that the NDP is like a school of fish,” he said. “Incidentally, I also received the most at-large votes in the territory’s history during the last election.”
He added that fish schools are very beautiful and sparkle in the sunlight, “much like the NDP, metaphorically speaking.”
This statement drew support from Health and Social Development Minister Ronnie Skelton.
“In general, Mr. Walwyn’s analogy eloquently describes the situation that holds true in our very unified party,” Mr. Skelton said.
However, he added that he would “tweak” the metaphor slightly.
“I would say the NDP is more like a school of large tarpon than a school of tiny fish,” he said. “Tarpon dominate the ocean in a way that minnows do not.”
Mr. Walwyn begged to differ, but Drs. Smith and Pickering conceded that the party is more like large fish than small fish even while maintaining that “it’s really not like fish at all.”
Later in the day, Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool weighed in after a long silence, telling a reporter that he believes the NDP is as unified as “cookies in cookie jar.”
He did not explain why, and he declined to elaborate further.
“It just is,” he said. “It’s like cookies. It’s not like those other things they said.”
Business stalled
The Cabinet is currently deadlocked, and public business is expected to remain at a standstill until the metaphor question is resolved.
“We need to agree on how to best describe our unity before we move forward,” the premier explained. “But we will work like dogs until we reach a decision.”
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Pickering publicly agreed that the Cabinet members plan to work hard, but he took issue with the “dogs” metaphor.
“I would say that we will work more like a team of oxen,” he said.
Other ministers said they were planning to respond soon.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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