Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
In the past, as a selfless gesture of holiday cheer, I have made New Year’s resolutions for other people instead of for myself.
And every year, people have ignored them.
So in 2013 I decided to make New Year’s decrees instead. And I’m suggesting suitable punishments for whoever breaks them.
A few of the new rules apply to all residents.
For example, no one will break in line at the grocery store during 2013. Anyone who violates this decree will be permitted to go ahead and buy their groceries — then they will distribute their purchases free of charge to the people in line behind them.
The South Korean pop hit Disco Gangnam Style will be categorically banned. Anyone caught playing it will be locked in a room with the song blasting full volume for 24 hours. If they are still sane when they emerge, they will do community service three hours a day for the rest of their life.
There will be a strict limit on emoticons: Everyone may e-mail exactly one per day. E-mailers who exceed the limit will have all the punctuation keys confiscated from their computers.
Elected leaders
Other decrees are for elected leaders, who will be thrilled that I’m giving them a break from the arduous duty of making rules.
Premier Dr. Orlando Smith will open the register of interests to the public, as he has promised in the past. If he doesn’t, he’ll hand over all of his own interests to the BVI Red Cross and other charities.
He’ll also join the Toastmaster’s Club — or he’ll be required to tape and transcribe all of his public speeches and provide them to journalists.
At least once this year, Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering will admit that he was wrong about something. Otherwise, he’ll be required to endure a two-hour marathon interview with the territory’s most stubborn talk show host, who will be determined in a public competition.
Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool will ensure a reliable water supply to the territory. If he fails, he’ll hook all legislators’ cisterns up to the public system.
He’ll also complete the sewerage works in the middle of Road Town — or relocate his office to the plywood enclosure erected to hide them from view.
College funding
Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn will publicly oppose the funding cut to the H. Lavity Stoutt Community College. If he fails to do so, he’ll enrol in the institution’s business programme for two years to collect ideas for how a school that doesn’t charge tuition might fund itself.
The new hospital will be completed in 2013 — or Health and Social Development Minister Ronnie Skelton will relinquish his government duties and work as a labourer there until completion.
Opposition members will ask only relevant and useful questions in the House of Assembly. For each politically motivated or ambiguous query, they will do 50 push-ups on the spot.
All government ministers will arrive at least 10 minutes early to press conferences. If late, they will be have to turn over a document of each reporter’s choice.
Trash, derelict vehicles
Besides legislators, I’ve also made some decrees for other groups.
Drivers will not travel with trash bags on top of their vehicle. If they do, they’ll be required to walk around with the trash duct-taped to their back for the rest of the day.
Government will process work permits, trade licences and other documents in a timely and fair manner. Those caught impeding this process will be interdicted without pay until they get re-licensed through a special desk at the Department of Motor Vehicles. That desk will operate only one day per year.
Cruise ship tourists will not throw cigarette butts on the ground. If they do, their passports will be confiscated and they’ll be required to pick up 500 pounds of litter before they can go home.
Anyone whose derelict vehicle is parked in the road will hire an artist to paint it with a traditional Virgin Islands scene. Owners who fail to do so will be evicted from their homes and forced to live in the vehicle.
Noisy drivers
Drivers who want to roar up and down Waterfront Drive in the middle of the night will call me before they do so to make sure I’m not trying to sleep. If they don’t, their cars will be pushed into the ocean the next morning while they’re sleeping.
Online commentators will refrain from posting cowardly insults under cover of anonymity. Otherwise, they will be outed and turned over to Mr. Walwyn, the education minister, for an hour-long lecture on media ethics.
Organisers will start events on time or pay each attendee $1 for every minute of tardiness.
That’s all for now, though I encourage everyone to make rules of their own — as long as none of them affect me.
If even half of my decrees are followed, 2013 will be a year to remember.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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